Friday, March 19, 2004
There was a song I heard in this old album I found while clearing my cupboard today, the song somehow reminds me my feelings that I have for someone. The question often lingers in my mind. “Why do I love him so much? Is there a reason to why I have put in so much effort into loving a man whom might never find out one day that I actually loved him? When will I cease my feelings for him? When will there be a day when I can accept a relationship into my life.” Well the answer has got to be out there somehow, there will be a day where the change will happen and there, the answer is out. Today, I never thought it would feel so good just to have a one-sentence conversation with him. It was like paradise. The feelings stayed in me like it was taking me out of control.
As I listened to the song and got deeper into it, I realized that the lyrics were actually very meaningful as they actually described the feelings of one for another. I believed that the song actually showed some form of one-sided love which many people around actually feels. This one-sided love might hurt in many different ways. Who wouldn’t want the man they loved to also love them in return?
Jianmin has finally grew up and has became much more sensible now. He to me is much more nice to talk to whenever he is sick as then it seemed as if he was matured enough to handle the truth. It seemed that after he came back from the china trip, he became more quiet, although I haven’t see him shoot out the other side of him that really irritates, he it really shows a drastic change in the behavior. And the childish attitude that he used to portray has ceased.
I didn’t know it would be such fun to actually see the class once again, although I sometimes feel irritated to be helping this and helping that, doing this and that, I somehow enjoyed it sometimes. Its like joy having to see the class once again and it can bring back the old memories that I used to have. Chan ho used to have this problem about sitting beside me or near me, that’s what I think la. But it seemed that everyone had grew up after the time when we were seperated into this particular class. Everyone seemed to have changed in one way or another. There was a drastic change in the people that I used to know. Although some have still stayed the same, there are few that have changed for the better while some have changed for the worst. My friendship with emiko has still maintained its boundaries while my friendship with some others have become worse. Daphne and I will still remain as normal trusted friends as I have nothing against her or her friends or anything about the things she does or have. But I won’t show the person that I hate him or her, I still will treat him or her like my good friend, as it is useless to uphold this character of hating one another. It is better to have more friends then enemies.
For all, we have to still retain our faith and believe in the Lord as he was there for us when we need him, he was the one and only friend who never betrays you and always gives a helping hand whenever we need him. I have started becoming much more enthusiastic in gb, it used to be a drag to attend it but now, it was more like a pleasure attending the session. It somehow reminds me of a great life ahead if myself.
``*Debbie* ; 12:32 AM
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Ha... oh wat a wonderful day.. never thought it would bring such joy just to pick up his phone call.. ha.. well the day was like perfect...we had like three hours of pool and then a movie that was called o brother which soooo funny yet so touching when it came to the ending part.. well the show could have touched anyone not only me.. ha.. i teared when it came to the part where the younger brother and the older brother was started up a conversation about their father.. it was rather sad when the older brother found out.. well perfect stories would always have perfect endings.. ha... a friend once told me that if we loved someone yet not letting him know is a mistake... well i would neve know when a mistake comes into life.. there are many things that needs to be done... sometimes we make mistakes too many a times that we did not notice them.. maybe we have to first be brought down by the mistake before we can get to learn that we have to treasure the things we do in life.. sometimes these treasures will disappear when we do not notice them.. we have to put into practice that these things do not come easy..
for the next life, i might just follw its ways... who knows...
``*Debbie* ; 12:04 AM
Sunday, March 14, 2004
As I stared at the picture I has in my fingers that was already aging with dog-ears on the corners and torn sides, I slowly concentrated on the eyes of the person. He had the most charming expressions that could attract anyone be it myself. I wondered when I could ever feel the press of my lips against his tender yet seducing lips. That lip seems to be calling me to them but I am not the one to be happily kissing them. Yet to just see them from afar brings a stinging sensation, which seemed as if I was dragged along the spell of the man whom I loved.
Then I looked into his eyes hoping to see a reflection of myself, joyful yet overly satisfied with the image I had, the image slowly fade itself away as I could no longer see that sparkle in his ever so charming eyes anymore. The dreams of having him embraced into my arms tightly and ever so lovingly, had showed me the dreams I used to have which were something like wondering into a space with nothing but a whole land of millions of flowers blooming with different fragrant. As I looked on to find where the real feeling lingered itself from, it slowly glides itself up my body stroking ad touching every detail it could find and entered me. The outlooks and character of the person then attracted me and I knew then that I had loved the person once before and it seemed as if in some form of present life that shoved itself into a land that was once before there. I was indeed in a zone where nothing could change the feelings I had for him, not then not at that moment.
The joy of having dreams about the one whom I loved was taking me over as days goes by having me wondering about the cycle of movements embracing the thoughts of every individual’s mind which have seemed to be spinning round and round slowly. Still from afar I could make out the lint yet blur image of the man whom I love ever so deeply. Should there be a form of guidance where a person can follow so as to bring her forward towards the dream she just had, hoping to fulfill it. With the secrets ever so lovingly yet quietly behind the trusted ones of whom friends were for, seep into the world of ever so loving feelings for one another.
The time flies as we gather our past memories together remembering the times spent together as a group. Yet the remembrance of you having your own life showed a way that could lead to nowhere. Nothing could be done to prove that the love I had for you was strong yet not known, the secret could just not be out as the result might not be as expected. All I could do was to ever so tearfully watch the man I love walk his own path to a happy new life, where he could then be with the one he loved. But to people like myself, we do know the feeling that lingers within ourselves. We know the time for the right person in our lives would come and appear one day, even if it has to come on the day of our death. In my life for the past sixteen years, only four men had told me that outlooks didn’t matter; it was what on the inside that mattered.
I never thought a stranger, purely someone whom I only knew for a short two days would have such great respect for another person. I never thought that there would be such chemistry between two people. It could somehow seem like it was some form of love at first sight. Although I do not communicate much with this person, I could see the kindness of the person in his eyes. He has a face of an angel that glowed into my eyes like a light from the heaven’s gate. From my first look at him I was utterly surprised to find that a person with such an overwhelmingly handsome face would not at all mind making friends with someone whom was obviously not exceptional to be standing beside him.
Yet once again, I see the same pair of lips that were once what I called seducing and had the dragging sensation, which could make anyone, want to go near and just create a moment of French. And no I have not felt anything in a single lip pact before as to what my friends told me, you have to feel the kiss you are having with the person and at the same time feel the steam linger through your body, not just kiss for the sake of kissing. I have only kissed one guy in my life that I had the ‘feel’ for. The next might come but, when is the question. I wish to press my lips upon someone who feels the same for me and not with one who I have the one sided love for. I can only wonder when the man would appear in my life. Will I still be around when he appears or will I never meet him?
These men, whom I thought to be unbelievably happening to have a start of relationship with, slowly touched my sixteen years of life. But with only one sentence without the love itself, I cannot feel the love and only see it. I told myself many times before that the world might not be as unfair as everyone thought it was, there were still time in which fairness does appear. The first love I had slowly faded away as we both matured into the oncoming new world and society filled with different form of stress. The love we shared between us was ever so strong that moment that was giving everyone else the honor, the time we spent with each other was never ending, we were even together at everyday of our life. Yet the truth will come out one day as the relationship slowly find itself fading. There was never a break up, never the hurtful moment where both parties would break down into a state of depression, yet the hurtful moment for then was already showing the way back to where we started off, as friends. Where is the feeling for which we said we would have for each other could last forever?
There the story ends with no one that could be blamed but the un-hurtful wanting of both sides. We both could only stand there with our feet rooted to the ground, as no one knew the reasons to why the feelings for each other then slowly lingered into another world in another time frame. The relationship after which never succeeded as the love I had for them were not as much as I had for another. I could not give out the feelings for another then and I could not take things seriously. I knew that there was only one way left and that was to have the slow moving hurtful relationship go and let both parties have their rest at last.
``*Debbie* ; 1:41 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2004
As we move further and further into the future the changes that happens in life often reminds us that we have to hold on to whatever is there for us. the feeling of rejection is building up high as it forces itself upon the open wound that lays wide open before the eyes. Could i just forget him? i asked myself, yet the answer to every question i've asked was a no. Times passes by fast when we are in need of the precious membories, membories that are rather hard to just let go off. If flowers bloom like the roses every morning, then will the love between couples as well? Sometimes life is just the way it seems to be, no one understands why one would fall for the other! The reasons might appear to others as the main key to life. Though many times i do self reflect, deborah, have you done something wrong today, have u created an enemy? reasons do appear as these questions fill out my mind. Having taken the leadership role, i sometimes choose not to do my part. i feel that it was redundent to even try as there, it would come back to one again!! people go bitching behind backs and when they were infront of u they treat you as their one and only best friend.. These problems brings new sufferings around each day as time might just show the insignificant attitude of each individuals.. time...
``*Debbie* ; 12:47 AM
Friday, March 12, 2004
hmmm today is a extremely boring day.. i thought i would have a chance to see him yet no.. if i can see him today, it would hev been the best day of my life. We went to play pool yesterday.. it was fun yup but if he was there it would be even more.. things and dreams have yet to come true.. saw this really fat ger with this really cute looking guy.. if love is really blind between them then wow that this world can really be ongoing.. if only love is blind between everyone else and the world just have everyone so loving together.. then there would be no more worries..
``*Debbie* ; 12:29 AM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Today i think must be the forth day that the group has left for china.. well time passed by rather slowly when someone thinks of the person in heart.. i think that maybe there are somethings that have yet to come true in life.. still i have yet to see a man that is there for me.. maybe as the time comes the truth will surface.. so wat one can do is to just wait patiently.. the day will come.. but i will still love him like how i've love him.. thats my promis.. if only i can tell him... i love you
``*Debbie* ; 9:55 PM
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
hmmm today is the tird day i have not seen him le but nevermind.. well there are different things that are happening if life.. each day takes it's time to pass by.. there are hopes each day of a better life in return..
i told myself before that if i look for something in a man it would be the outmost little.. to me the only thing i need is not money, not material stuffs.. the main thing that should be looked out for is the way he treats me, if one another cannot get along than there should not be a relationship in the firat place.. i only need him to be there for me when i need him and to care for me for what i am and not what he wants me to be.. i need him to be faithful in the relationship.. if love is blind even if he was a deformed person, there would still be love.. one cannot ask much when it comes to love as the main thing that is looked for in a relationship is actually just the different trust and respect each has for each other..
``*Debbie* ; 9:30 PM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
today rocks man.. never tot that having service learning would be sooo fun.. honestly i wished he was here as well bt hacks.. the popo was more fun.. hee.. shi chee was the popo's name.. she was the only one who let us in today the rest were all so scared of us.. hmmm very shocking that fairfield students would do tt to the old people.. tt is the attitude one of the girls showed.. purely no respect at all.. sook cheng.. bi&#$.. even i as a pure slacker in this gave my outmost willingness into doing my part as a service giving student in this learning programe.. some people just do not know how these old people feel until they become the old people themselves.. the story that we heard today from popo shi chee was about all her different body complications that she suffers everyday.. and the small living condition of her flat.. really pitiful..
``*Debbie* ; 11:27 PM
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Each time i look at him it seems to bring out a certain feeling from deep inside telling me how much i love him.. yet each time i try to talk to him one on one it seems difficult.. how why wat wat should i do???
``*Debbie* ; 11:12 PM
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